Thursday, 26 June 2008

The Lost and the Lonely

Thank you Puddock for your kind words which always make me feel more normal in my disjointed world of bereavement.

I walk pass houses in my little lane and wonder who lives there and what they do... it isn't a friendly lane in the way my childhood street was. People keep to themselves and nod or smile when I walk past and happen to catch someone by their front door or their car; but I don't get invited anywhere or asked in for a cup of tea. I never see anyone; they're either at work I suppose, or hiding away, or out and about with others. The houses in the picture are at Ripley, all very pretty and uniform, but with no clue as to the personalities of those within.

My heart is still heavy and I don't know why. I've cried and cried all day, and I know it isn't hormones as they have been kept in tight control since 1989. I went to the Gym and found that for some reason we ladies had to use the men's locker rooms and the men had to use ours. Strange! Amourous little man was there and smiling at me. The snake with goggles wasn't there neither was the predatory female. I swam fast and left without acknowledging the frequent smiles. I'd rather go home to my cats, meal for one and watch a DVD than embark on a date with someone who only comes up to my armpits.

Perhaps tomorrow will be better. I have to say that - having declared myself as an optimist! Apparently optimist live on average, seven years longer than pessimists. Is that a good thing?

I don't think I'm helping other bereaved people with these words... sorry! Will try harder tomorrow!


Puddock said...

Jenny, I am glad to be of help. Your posts help me just as much. It can feel like a very unfriendly world sometimes, and hearing that someone else is having the same feelings and experiences helps me feel normal too!

I talk to bloggers who are single, and find that we are all in the same boat, combatting isolation, feeling abnormal (and sometimes enjoying the freedom - let's be honest). The only difference between them and me is that I am not used to being single. I suppose I was spoiled all those years, of being able to lean on someone else without question, of having someone else to share (or take) the responsibility, of being able to be weak and feeble sometimes, knowing that he would take the strain. I should consider myself lucky, having had a mostly happy, lengthy marriage, but it is hard, much harder than I thought it would be, to get used to the endless aloneness.

Now I am back to square one again, with as much in common with my son and his young, single friends, as with my own married friends - no guarantee of finding love, just the hope and the openness to it. My son fell in love out of the blue (as you do) a year ago, and he and his beloved are still together and set, apparently, for life. It was fun to watch that love spring up overnight, and it gave me hope that love can pop out at you when you are least expecting it.

Take care, keep those snakes at bay, and keep posting - even about the bad stuff!

JennyB said...

Today I went to the one Saturday Green Gym per month and someone told me how cheerful and full of fun I am. Oh how they don't know the real me, but how glad I am that I can act really well.

It's good to communicate with people like you who know exactly what's really going on. Keep acting!