Where has my stamina gone?

I used to bake two days a week, do the daily mountain of washing, cleaning, shopping, ironing, playing and feeding, then help with the homework before finally washing up the evening meal dishes and getting all four daughters washed and into bed. For many years it seemed that I was either pregnant, breastfeeding or pushing prams and pushchairs up and down the steep hills of Plymouth. I weighed just under 9 stone, was never fat, always sunkissed from being in the garden, by the beach or in parks with the girls. I ate well, slept well and the days whizzed by.

Now, having seen lots of old photos, I wonder where my stamina has gone as I recover from another half-term of child minding. I am exhausted and have caught yet another virus and will be seeing the Doc in an hour. I need an injection of stamina... any suggestions?

Paint the Hall, or paint poppies?

It was no contest really! The Hall, Landing and Stairs are the last of the indoor DIY projects, but, despite the rain storms, I just couldn't find the energy to get out the Crown 'Heaven' Matt Emulsion... so took photos of wet poppies and painted them instead. I need to practice, practice and practice, having had a break of many weeks since painting. It's good to get back in the saddle, so to speak! Come to think of it, there are other 'saddles' I'd like to get back into, given the chance! For instance; going out to work and meeting people; getting dressed up in high heels; going to the cinema with someone; booking a holiday; have a conversation with someone who doesn't meow back... just a few of the saddles I think about now and then.

The Hall will have to wait until I'm in the mood... or, perhaps I could paint poppies on the walls?

Lost in a bluebell wood

Oh to be lost in a bluebell wood and away from the tawdry revelations of Parliamentary Ministers and their fraudulent activities. I read today that one minister is annoyed that the real work of parliamentarians is on hold because of these revelations! Ughh... is it me? Or does anyone else think that Fraud is serious enough to warrant a hold on proceedings? As Boris has commented this week: 'I think this is a case for Plod to be called in.' Too true!

Then there are the 'whistle-blowers' themselves who upon revealing the expenses sham to the papers, wanted upwards of £300,000 for the information! Everyone's at it!

Today we read that the Queen is not amused and wants Brown to 'sort it'. I think Ma'am, that you've asked the wrong man. This is clearly a case for Doctor Who or Captain Jack... or Joanna Lumley.

Bring on an election - that's what I say!

Travelling by car

It's bloody hard... driving long hours on busy roads... namely the M1 at peak times. However, the journey wasn't too bad and a couple of stops on the way to wee and have a caffeine intake, all helped.

But, on arrival, having phoned from Nottingham services to say that I'd be just an hour and a bit, my friend was unexpectedly out upon my arrival. I found my mobile phone and sent a text saying 'I'm at your front door, I need a pee!' She had fallen asleep in the park nearby! I know she works hard and long at her very demanding job, and she is a very good friend, as too her husband who was also a good friend to my lovely man.

The following day we had a great time at the Harrogate Flower Show. I bought some fancy toadstools made out of copper; a frog and a snail, along with a rose. More was spent than I wanted, but then again, it was a trip with good friends and a wonderful day out. While wandering through one of the large marquees, I saw a collection of paintings; the artist sat at her desk, explaining to someone that she uses a mixture of gouache and watercolour. The effect was stunning! Mainly large poppy heads in different studies and colours... I felt inspired to try it out myself when I return home.

The journey back was okay, no real traffic problems and a stop at the Leicester Forest Services meant that I could make the whole journey without any major mishap. My cats really missed me and the garden seemed to have grown in just two days!

I really wish my friends lived nearer. A hundred and ninety miles away is too far! They are really good friends and I love them to bits! When life was really difficult for my lovely man and I, they were there for us. When so-called family members were giving us hassle and grief, our friends were there for us. Through all the crap from so-called family and from the work environment, our good friends were there for us. Now, after his untimely, sudden and premature death, if only we lived nearer to each other... we could meet more often and have more good days out. Life can be so complicated sometimes! In fact, life is too bloody short!! And even though I've survived three and a half years without him, I still don't know why I am on this planet. Life is too short to be fannying around. We only have one life! So why am I here? Perhaps I'm saying, what can I do to make a contribution to the World...

Meanwhile, I think I've caught a cold!

Off on a Trip

Off oop north for a short visit to friends, then back to either finish decorating the Hall, Landing and Stairs (no mean job); or forget that and start watercolour painting again; or cut back the overhanging bramble (supposed to be Beech) hedge that belongs to my neighbours; or concentrate on researching for a job interview that's coming up in a couple of weeks.

I keep asking myself how many hours a week could I work without compromising my new-found optimism and feel-good mood? I really need the money, but have decided not to work full time now and will hold out for part-time work. Most of my decisions until now have revolved around what to have for dinner; shall I wash the car; shall I go for a swim tonight; or does that Apple sapling need moving... I may be past giving anything to society... I may not be up to it... or, I've forgotten how to make proper decisions. Heaven help any students I may teach!

It's one of those 'Fate' times again!

A cracking day Gromit!

It's as if a dark cloud has moved away... I have felt the Spring air within my veins, filling me with optimism. Be careful girl, being forever an Optimist usually means being continually disappointed! But... something is happening to move me forward. It must be coming from within and heralds the start of yet another phase, or service station along the highway of recovering grief. I went for a long swim last night; the first time in two weeks after seeing and looking after various family over Easter. Whether it's because I look happier, walk straighter, smile more or just because I'm becoming more scatty - I received a few smiles and hello's from people I hardly know. One big man turned around and gave me a smile, as I turned around to have a second look! It's funny how Spring affects us all!

Today I went into Oxford to visit an Art Exhibition of local artists, (my ex-art tutor being one of the (pardon the phrase), exhibitionists. Most exhibits were not to my taste, but all were on sale for around £350 a piece. Not bad. However, all exhibitors belong to the prestigious Oxford Art Society, and to become a member is no easy task.

I leisurely browsed around the shops in a happy, detached frame of mind, as only a single person can do, not having to worry about the evening meal, school shoes or making the beds. I then strolled through alleyways looking for a place to eat lunch... (a special treat to myself to mark the change in my persona and mental state). All looked tacky, or full or just not with a menu for my mood. I ended up at 'Browns' in St Giles; a place my dearly departed had first taken me to lunch thirteen years' ago. I had a great table at the back and a very attentive waiter called John who fetched me a newspaper, water, wine and tempted me to try the day's special - Sea bream. It was all so good and delicious. I left, not feeling sad at being there on my own without my lovely man, but at peace.

This evening I sat on the garden swing with my cat as the sun went down. If all my days from now on are this good, then I shall be a lucky lady.

Easter magic

The grounds at Blenheim Palace are exceptional, and this year has received an RHS award. It's good to know that the magical designs of Lancelot (Capability) Brown have been preserved and enhanced after all these years by the various Dukes of Marlborough. Our favourite spot was a bench in the Secret Garden, watching the babbling brook speed by as we ate our picnic. We'd already been inside the Palace twice; done the guided Tour, then the Churchill exhibition, and then the 'Untold Story'. All good stuff! A second visit on Easter Weekend meant we could walk around the whole Park and Pleasure gardens. I was beginning to think I was getting really old by enjoying country houses and parks, but my twelve-year old granddaughter loved it too!

What's really good this year is the fact that Spring seems to be a 'proper' Spring - sunshine and showers! I'm more like my 'old' self this year... not so much deep mournful thinking. I'm carrying my grief better... more like an unobtrusive back-pack than a big heavy suitcase. I seem to be smiling more, listening more and finding amusement in silly things! Then again, it could be premature dementia creeping in.