Friday, 4 April 2008

A Gift Horse

Do I really want to work in a Garden Centre - tending to the requests and wishes of wealthy local people who don't always treat me with an ounce of respect? Do I want to hump large bags of compost, and huge pots of trees, and push three-decker trollies laden with plants along narrow concrete paths that just throw me and the trolley off balance? Watch this space... I shall report at the end of tomorrow.

While at lunch at the Garden Centre, a local man of about 70-ish happened to say, "hmmm, you'm be nice." While another kept asking me about my love life. Is it me? Or do local Witney surrounding villagers be all the same? Anyway, moving on... I have now cemented into the ground, three sturdy posts which will support a willow fence that surrounds an area dedicated to my pots and over-wintering shrub cuttings. I have managed to physically dismantle, dig out, and transport the contents of a huge compost pile around my existing garden borders, thus providing them with the sustinence they require to survive whatever the summer months bring forth! I ache - as usual and have just had a deep soak in a hot scented bath, complete with candles, soft music and a Gin and Tonic... Ahhh! I am not looking forward to my second day at the Garden Centre - somehow, I feel deep inside that this isn't the job for me. I shall report again tomorrow!

Meanwhile, I have seen an advert in the local Oxford Times for candidates for a forthcoming Archeological Course, with a specialised 'dig' in the summer. This really appeals to me as I've wanted to do something along these lines since I was about ten. Should I enrol? I also want to enrol on an Interior Design course, and a Garden Design course... being artistic in nature, these courses appeal to me. When I sit back and ponder... it occurs to me that I really don't know what I want to do when I grow up. I'd better hurry up before I run out of time!

Today has been a really 'down' day... don't know why, but I've been in tears most of the day, thinking about why I'm still on this planet and how useless and unimportant I am.

I have heard today, via the family grapevine that my youngest, hitherto estranged daughter has just won 'Veterinary Nurse of the Year Award' at the NEC, Birmingham. I was not invited. Rather, her father, my Bitter Ex, was invited along with his Norwegian wife. So... I heard from my eldest daughter about the event. Sad... isn't it?

It seems, that since he died, I am flailing around, trying different things in an attempt to find out why I am here. Then I looked in the Daily Mail today and an article states that the bereaved often die within the first few years... men more than women. I can see why! Perhaps we women are the stronger or tougher of the species. However, the pain is still the same, whatever the gender.

I've often wondered about the saying: 'Don't look a Gift Horse in the Mouth'. But, that's what I seem to be doing.


Puddock said...

Stay strong Jenny - I'm relying on you.

I too have days of frighteningly awful 'downness' - feelings that I never imagined I'd have. I've always been a coper, a cheerful person. Sounds like you are the same. It's so hard.

Sometimes, I too have wondered what's the point. And I have felt well past my sell-by date - redundant as a wife, no longer needed as a mother, no career to speak of. That's when the tiny little good things keep me going - and some of them are really tiny - like a wave from the postie, or holding a door open for an old lady. I have found blogging to be a real lifeline - not only does it prove that I exist, but I feel I am making new friends through it - people who would actually care if I fell off my perch.

You are doing so well. Your blog is lovely, your photos are gorgeous. You're bound to have bad days. I know I do. I was literally ready to put an end to it all at the beginning of the year, I was so fed up with the struggle, but I felt a little better after a few days, and I am sure you will too. The bath and the G&T sound good. I've just polished off a G&T of my own and it always makes the world seem a bit brighter!

Puddock said...

It sounds as if you are getting the same out of the nursery job as I got out of my Christmas job in the bookshop - NOT A LOT!

I got fed up being treated like dirt by people I didn't respect, and I was glad when the contract was over and I didn't have to do it any more. The archaeology course sounds brill. I'd say go for it. If nothing else you'll meet some new people and learn some new skills. Good luck with whatever you decide.