Tuesday, 1 January 2008

What's in store?

Here we go again; another optimistic outlook for the New Year as the dawn creeps in quietly after the raucous night before. Fireworks at midnight filled the normally peaceful countryside around me, which sent Pebble diving under the sofa in panic. I heard people laughing in the lane outside my little house as I sipped my Amarula and Ice and I went to bed thinking about the last two New Year's Eves. My thoughts then were as always, optimistic about my future, wondering about my purpose, hoping that something would change my life, but as the last two years have edged along, nothing remarkable has ocurred except:

It was during 2007 that I plunged rock bottom into the depths of despair, grief and loneliness, even though eighteen months had gone by since he died. I couldn't understand it - shouldn't I be getting better? It was an all-time low for me when I didn't want to go on; I'd tried hard to carry on... mundane everyday existing things. After crying almost non-stop for about two days and nights I came out of it, and seemed to gradually look at things differently until once the second anniversary of his death had gone by, I had turned a real corner on the road to recovery. Until then, I'd kidded myself and others that I was 'doing fine', 'much better', and 'feeling positive'. What utter crap we issue out to ourselves and others, trying to believe it.

I ended 2007 with a much healthier outlook; not fooling myself anymore, just accepting that grief is a peculiar beast that won't leave you alone for long; pouncing on you at unexpected moments, just as Pebble does. I have learnt to accept the presence of the beast, and can often tame it, though not Pebble. Of all the advice I received, mostly from those who hadn't yet lost, or indeed, found their once in a life-time, genuiune lover, the most accurate was, 'grief is different for each of us'. Some have said that grief follows a known pattern; sorry folks, it doesn't, well, not for me. Others have said that I would go through the 'Anger' stage; no I haven't. Several have compared my grief to that of losing a parent; No, it's not the same at all, except loss. There is more to losing someone who came late into your life and transformed it, and who you trusted, respected and loved more than anyone or any living thing ever; it's a much deeper wound, that even those who have been married but not to their soulmate for many years, may not feel. I know I wouldn't have felt this tremendous wound to my soul had I still been married to my first husband; not his fault, we should never have married in the first place. It all sounds corny and overly romantic I suppose, and before I'd met him, I would've been the first to say 'Yuk!' But in the words of another: "In a Universe of Ambiguity, this kind of feeling comes just once, no matter how many life-times you may lead."

So, into 2008 with a more positive mind having tamed the beast as best I can. I am looking forward, not backward anymore. There is the prospect of starting a business to continue looking into; the rooms need painting and I want to change my hairstyle and get even fitter and healthier. Small things perhaps, but indicative of the change in me over the last six months. I may even take a new interest in the opposite sex! I laugh as I say this, 'cos I'm really scared of ever having another powerful, all-consuming, passionate and 'so right' relationship with anyone. However, I can relax, because that is likely not to happen as I think I have had my 'once in a lifetime' love. So what else is there? Friendship, companionship, someone to go to the Pub with? Someone to talk into the small hours with, putting the world to rights, maybe? Maybe a bit of good old sex before I'm too old? All of this is terrifying.

Onwards into 2008 with trepidation, optimism and a desire to become part of the human race again. To all those who have been encouraging and supporting me, thank you and I wish you all a Happy New Year.

1 comment:

Puddock said...

Hi Jenny

I can sympathise with everything you've written. My husband died about the same time as yours, in September 2005, and I have been going through the same two year low that you seem to have had.

It's so hard isn't it? I wouldn't have believed how tough and relentless it is. Like you, I am a coper, a doer and the rest of the world thinks I am great, getting on with things. But what choice do we have? If we collapsed from it all, who would pick us up now? : (

I am very pleased to hear that New Year has filled you with optimism and wish you a fabulous 2008.