Sunday, 25 November 2007

Last holiday

The last holiday we had was to Prague. Cobblestones abound as do mannekins, russian dolls, waffles and cream and beers of all kinds in huge litre jugs. This view is from one side of the Charles Bridge which we'd walked across many times during our four day stay. It was here that he bought me a blue topaz ring, with matching ear-rings and necklace and which I wear regularly.

I have jewellry from many foreign places, something he loved to do, but the topaz ones are the most special. After he died, a clairvoyant told me that whenever I wear a special ring he will be near me. I don't really believe that. In fact I don't believe anything the clairvoyant told me while I was deep in early grief. I am too sensible, but was very vulnerable at the time and just wanted someone to tell me he was still with me in some way. I have spoken to two people recently who swear that their deceased husbands have come to them when they were at their lowest point. "How?" I asked. One said he sat on her bed when she was crying in the night and just smiled at her. The other said he had stood behind her in the hall while she was looking in the mirror and he just appeared behind her, and again just smiled. Is it me? Or does anyone else think that the appearance of one's deceased smiling partner is ironically cruel? Does the smile indicate that they are okay in a land unobtainable? I haven't seen even a smoky whisper of my lovely man, but... in those painful early days I thought I heard the front door close, then his footsteps bounding up the stairs and the bedroom door open. By this time I'd closed my eyes and was hiding under the Duvet, when I looked... nothing. I told myself it was because my mind was unbalanced by bereavement and grief.

If he does appear, I have some questions for him; like, where the hell did he put the tenon saw and mitre block?

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