Thursday, 2 July 2009

Stir Crazy

I've got through the first three years which have been at times, bloody and soul-destroying, leaving me drained and exhausted after many hours of crying. I turned a corner a few months ago... one of many corners, there being more than four sides to grief. I began to live again, breathe again and look at my little surrounding world with renewed eyes and an awakening mind, packing away the actress in me that has fooled so many for so long.

Then, along came two virus's and various secondary infections, which are still present and leaving me tired. Whether it's the illnesses, or time of year, or the fact that as an eternal optimist, it's time for another reality check to put me back in my place and make me realise that my little life is not actually going anywhere!

I've tried Jive classes, art classes, volunteering and a Gym. I've been chatted up by various little men, some, probably all, married. Perhaps I'm trying too hard and should just accept that this is how it is now, and it won't get much better! I've got a home, a car and two cats. I have a few friends and lovely daughters... what else is there? It's just that I still feel that something is missing! Maybe I shall always feel that something is missing! I should just stop still and stop wanting change!

Bereavement experts would've probably said this is yet another stage... And, I ask, just how many more sodding stages can there be??

The latest watercolour effort was sat on by Banjo my cat while I'd left it out to dry. I think she has improved it!


Hogday said...

That Banjo! Hang on, I can see where she broke one of the stems....

Puddock said...

You are doing just fine Jenny. It's such a slow process, isn't it? That's what I find so frustrating.

I was wondering about your viruses - I got a similar thing just as I was beginning to think I was getting 'better', which went on for months. I think mine was my body rebelling at last against all the pain of the previous three years. I'm on the mend now, with the help of a very talented homeopath, and looking forward again. I wondered if you might have had a similar body reaction.

I can sympathise with the feeling that you've tried so many classes and things but always end up back home alone at the end of it. We just have to be patient, I think - we ARE making progress!

I like the new painting and love Banjo's contribution!

JennyB said...

Yep... patience is something I'm learning, and the cats keep me sane!

Thank you both.