A Gift Horse

Do I really want to work in a Garden Centre - tending to the requests and wishes of wealthy local people who don't always treat me with an ounce of respect? Do I want to hump large bags of compost, and huge pots of trees, and push three-decker trollies laden with plants along narrow concrete paths that just throw me and the trolley off balance? Watch this space... I shall report at the end of tomorrow.

While at lunch at the Garden Centre, a local man of about 70-ish happened to say, "hmmm, you'm be nice." While another kept asking me about my love life. Is it me? Or do local Witney surrounding villagers be all the same? Anyway, moving on... I have now cemented into the ground, three sturdy posts which will support a willow fence that surrounds an area dedicated to my pots and over-wintering shrub cuttings. I have managed to physically dismantle, dig out, and transport the contents of a huge compost pile around my existing garden borders, thus providing them with the sustinence they require to survive whatever the summer months bring forth! I ache - as usual and have just had a deep soak in a hot scented bath, complete with candles, soft music and a Gin and Tonic... Ahhh! I am not looking forward to my second day at the Garden Centre - somehow, I feel deep inside that this isn't the job for me. I shall report again tomorrow!

Meanwhile, I have seen an advert in the local Oxford Times for candidates for a forthcoming Archeological Course, with a specialised 'dig' in the summer. This really appeals to me as I've wanted to do something along these lines since I was about ten. Should I enrol? I also want to enrol on an Interior Design course, and a Garden Design course... being artistic in nature, these courses appeal to me. When I sit back and ponder... it occurs to me that I really don't know what I want to do when I grow up. I'd better hurry up before I run out of time!

Today has been a really 'down' day... don't know why, but I've been in tears most of the day, thinking about why I'm still on this planet and how useless and unimportant I am.

I have heard today, via the family grapevine that my youngest, hitherto estranged daughter has just won 'Veterinary Nurse of the Year Award' at the NEC, Birmingham. I was not invited. Rather, her father, my Bitter Ex, was invited along with his Norwegian wife. So... I heard from my eldest daughter about the event. Sad... isn't it?

It seems, that since he died, I am flailing around, trying different things in an attempt to find out why I am here. Then I looked in the Daily Mail today and an article states that the bereaved often die within the first few years... men more than women. I can see why! Perhaps we women are the stronger or tougher of the species. However, the pain is still the same, whatever the gender.

I've often wondered about the saying: 'Don't look a Gift Horse in the Mouth'. But, that's what I seem to be doing.

More right turns

Throughout my life I have planned for this and that... to be happily married with children, nice home etc etc. Well I achieved my children and I achieved the happily married bit the second time around, short-lived as it was before my lovely man died, and I now have a nice home with two cats and an ever-growing garden. In between there has been deaths, awful bereavement, disruption, anger, resentment, poverty, threats and a whole load more. So, wanting to have a quiet life now, I'd resigned myself to being a bit of a recluse, tending my garden and cats and writing my novel.

No... not to be! Well, I don't think so, unless the plans will change yet again. Today I started work at a local Plant Centre and did all sorts of things with seeds and small plants and will go back again on Saturday for more of the same. Then I have to give the Boss a decision on whether I like it enough to stay. I have also found out that the local college is offering a part-time course in Garden Design, something I've always been interested in. What do I do? Slip back into Recluse Mode? Or do I overcome my lack of confidence and self-esteem and hurl myself into this job where I shall have to serve customers while not knowing a thing, (and the Till frightens me silly)!

I have also been served notice of speeding... 35 mph in a 30 zone. Not like me at all, so don't know why or how it happened, but had to agree or go to Court, therefore I attend a Speed Awareness course next month. This has knocked my self-esteem and confidence sideways and down even further.

Meanwhile, at the 'Green Gym' I have learnt how to use a Bow-Saw correctly and to wade in a river wearing thigh-high rubber waders that had I been shorter, would have caused me some serious damage.

If anyone can offer any advice on any of the above, I'd be very grateful.