Throughout my life I have planned for this and that... to be happily married with children, nice home etc etc. Well I achieved my children and I achieved the happily married bit the second time around, short-lived as it was before my lovely man died, and I now have a nice home with two cats and an ever-growing garden. In between there has been deaths, awful bereavement, disruption, anger, resentment, poverty, threats and a whole load more. So, wanting to have a quiet life now, I'd resigned myself to being a bit of a recluse, tending my garden and cats and writing my novel.No... not to be! Well, I don't think so, unless the plans will change yet again. Today I started work at a local Plant Centre and did all sorts of things with seeds and small plants and will go back again on Saturday for more of the same. Then I have to give the Boss a decision on whether I like it enough to stay. I have also found out that the local college is offering a part-time course in Garden Design, something I've always been interested in. What do I do? Slip back into Recluse Mode? Or do I overcome my lack of confidence and self-esteem and hurl myself into this job where I shall have to serve customers while not knowing a thing, (and the Till frightens me silly)!
I have also been served notice of speeding... 35 mph in a 30 zone. Not like me at all, so don't know why or how it happened, but had to agree or go to Court, therefore I attend a Speed Awareness course next month. This has knocked my self-esteem and confidence sideways and down even further.
Meanwhile, at the 'Green Gym' I have learnt how to use a Bow-Saw correctly and to wade in a river wearing thigh-high rubber waders that had I been shorter, would have caused me some serious damage.
If anyone can offer any advice on any of the above, I'd be very grateful.
2 comments:
Hi Jenny
It is amazing how similar our positions are. I can really sympathise with your dilemma - I've had exactly the same thought about accepting that my go at 'normal' life is over and just retreating to my two and a half acres with my dog.
But then I think - "I could have another 30 years ahead of me. Do I really want to be ever lonelier for 30 years?" And the answer I get back is NOOOOO!
SO I'd say "Go for it!" It is fab that you have got out there and got a job at the nursery. Why not keep at it if you have enjoyed it? You can always leave if it becomes tiresome.
My new mantra is (always bearing in mind the first rule of widowhood - protect yourself above all) GO FOR IT!
I had a bash at proper work at CHristmas in a bookshop (scary till there too!) and quite enjoyed it but knew it wasn't for me. I've wanted to write a novel for ever, and so I have decided that this is to be the year where I either do it or I give up - that's my project for the year.
...and as for the speeding fine...the fear of getting one was a fixation of my late husband and it kind of rubbed off on me. I was talking to a good friend about long motorway drives and the hazards of speed cameras, and I asked her if she had ever had a ticket. "Oh yes" she said "loads. If you like to drive fast they're just an occupational hazard."
Now my friend is very very law-abiding and I was a bit shocked at first. But it was wonderfully liberating after I thought about it for a while. Not that I condone speeding, but there was something wonderful about cutting the fear down to size. And cutting down the fear in your life and mine has got to be a good thing.
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