It's not easy trying to walk up my garden path with soaking wet lavender almost meeting, and even worse for the Postman who insists on wearing shorts in the rain. Any day I expect to see him with Machete in hand and shouting something from Kung Fu as he battles up my path with his bag of mail.Today was the first fine day for a long time, but it didn't lift my low mood. It's coming up to three years since he went and I still don't know why I'm on this planet... nothing seems to have changed! My usual optimistic approach is deserting me and I look at all the couples ( who are just about everywhere), and feel happy for them, but then feel even lonelier than before. I hurt myself today while lifting the heavy lawn-mower over the gravel, and just dissolved into tears. Is this what it's going to be like... struggling with heavy objects; trying to work the electric drill without it speeding off in another direction; wondering how I'm going to paint the top of the stair well; wanting to go on holiday, but can't bear the loneliness of being alone with all those other couples. It's a day of feeling sorry for myself, but I don't care... I'm allowed! So I don't care if the Postman's legs get wet, the lavender looks lovely.
4 comments:
I am so in the same place Jenny. I am stuck in a place I do not want to be but, at the moment at least, have not got the energy to do much about it (rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic comes to mind.) I have spent three years proving that I can live here alone and basically, I think, behaving as if the Golfer was away on a very long business trip. And now, I am worn out and ground down by it, and who the hell am I trying to prove myself to anyway?
The one thing that I find, to my surprise, has changed in the last week or twois that I am seriously thinking about actively looking for a new relationship. I never thought I'd feel that way. But I so want to be special to someone again, that I think I am ready to give it a go.
Your lavender looks gorgeous. It must brighten the greyest day looking out on it.
The lavender does look beautiful, do you make it into pillows and other wonderful things ? Or I suppose if you have the windows open, the scent can drift in !
I wish I could offer some words of comfort, or advice on out of control electric drills - your blog is both poignant and beautiful.
Thank you Nicola for your words of encouragement re my blog. As for the lavender, I've been drying bunches of it for ages and the inside of my gagage looks and smells wonderful. I have also sold bunches of it at 50p a go. It's almost at the stage where I can collect the seeds and make into scented sachets for pillows - thank you for the idea.
Oh how fantastic, I can't think of anything better than having wonderful scent in the garage - so much better than petrol :-) If you do ever sell pillows, I'd definitely be a customer !
Had another thought re drills actually - perhaps you could start a new interior design trend called Wall art, with all the new 'patterns' made by the drill ;-)
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