Autumn and change

After nearly four weeks of being kept in the dark regarding the bully and the charitable organisation's actions, it seems there is hope after all and that some kind of justice will prevail. Four weeks of being 'in limbo' wondering what to do with my Wednesdays or what other group I could join has left me drained with an outbreak of cold sores and a nose bleed. And, it's true, stress really does age your skin!

Meanwhile, I've swum for Britain and given myself muscle strain; I've dug for victory and re-designed my front garden - moving plants around and digging up the bindweed - again. I've cleaned and polished the house so much even the annoying Anthea Turner would be pleased.

I've also made an amazing discovery; little amorous man in the swimming pool -(he of the sneaky smiles and winks - for the last year), was in the jacuzzi looking as brown as a nut. Sat beside him was another equally nut-brown woman. He looked embarrased and climbed out. I asked the woman where she'd been to get such a deep tan. "I can't pronounce Fuert...ventura - but it was in the Canaries". She talked freely about their holiday and referred to her husband's job - that of an ex-policeman who now has a civilian job with them. I asked if the man that was sitting next to her was her husband. "Oh yeah, that's him." She said miserably. What a horrible little man, thought I.

The more I see of the men around here, the more I want just the company of my cats.

I feel change coming over me again - not the Jeckyll and Hyde kind of change, nor a hormonal one, but more of a 'rising out of the ashes' change. I feel stronger again, happier and more self-assured. I make a resolution not to let a Bully ever 'pull me down' into the depths of my boots - ever again.

In loving memory...again

Yep... another year gone by since my lovely man departed this planet, and the rose shown is called 'in loving memory' and still it blooms.

I don't know if I am getting resigned to the loneliness, or if my destiny is that I am to be alone now until my own death. The fact is, that I no longer gaze at other men I see in the street or at the Gym. No one could ever match up to my man, and I feel I'm losing the will to ever find one to replace him... probably because I know I never shall.

I spend more and more time alone with my two cats, and I read more and sew more. I long to join a dancing class, but there are none in my area.

However, I've just joined a beginners' class in Watercolour painting at the local college and while the teaching is anything but good, I have at least, painted a colour chart, three oranges of dubious colour and an apple with a bite out of it. There wasn't supposed to be a bite out of it, but I got bored waiting. I was told my red wasn't the right colour red and my yellow wasn't lemony enough. Ah well, who cares?

I haven't gone out and bought three sable brushes as instructed, instead preferring to use those of my dearly departed who discovered he could paint after suffering his stroke. I use his paints and brushes and the teacher will just have to like it.

The two hour lesson sped by and I found the experience therapeutic if nothing else. It beats being bullied by a member of the other group I'd joined six months' ago and which is still under investigation. Somehow I don't think the investigation will come to much... there's funding linked to the bully and in my experience, funding always takes presidence!

Three years have gone by and still I yearn for him, still I am lonely and cry at night. Is there no end to it!

Smelling of Roses

Well, I'm so disillusioned, disappointed and in despair. I and a co-leader were aggressively bullied and because those in authority have not contacted me since I sent my report and complaint over a week ago, I phoned to ask why. The response was beyond my belief.

Perhaps I should have just 'decked' the person concerned because remaining calm during a crisis was obviously where I went wrong.

I am distraught and feel as though I've been through it all over again. There were sixteen witnesses to the event, for goodness sake! I have been kept in the dark for ten days with no response.

Why do some people always come up smelling of roses no matter what they do? My faith in human beings has reached an all-time low. I have been set back months and feel as I did after losing my lovely man - just when I had regained a reason to live again.

It's the injustice of it all that gets me. I can't and won't tell lies.

Basic Instincts

If you have any doubts that we live in a society controlled by men, try reading down the index of contributors to a volume of quotations, looking for women's names.
- Elaine Gill

I mentioned briefly in my last post about being on the receiving end of 'Mr Nasty'. Why is it that people who bully and intimidate always manage to find people who are frightened of them? Why do people not stand up to the bullies?

When on the receiving end of a tirade of aggressiveness, I was shaking inside; shocked at the level of violence in Mr Nasty's voice as he stood in front of me, sounding off. If my lovely man were there - all six foot two of him, then Mr Nasty would not even have dared scowl at me, let alone shout at me. But Mr Nasty knows I am on my own. I discovered a long time ago that bullies are, at heart, cowards. The situation I found myself in was not one where I could merrily knee Mr Nasty in the crutch, much as I wanted to. I chose to ignore him - which I think, angered him all the more. Not content with shouting at me, he verbally attacked a friend who'd come to my defence. You may want to know why the attack? Can't say at the moment - but let's say that I'm waiting to see how all this turns out in order to consider my next move. I have complained in writing, as have others. Let's now see if those in authority are intimidated or brave!

Bullies come in many guises, both men and women; often those in some kind of authority who have a damaged past. However, we are not here to psycho-analyse such people - let's leave that to the professionals. But, do we not owe it to ourselves and others to face up to the bullies? In doing so, I have gone through feelings of stress - I just hope it's worth it.

Maureen and I...

Today while reading the Sunday supplements, I came across a segment of Maureen Lipman's bitter-sweet memoirs - of which she described how she thought she had found a new love after the death of her beloved husband, Jack Rosenthal. As I read through the heart-rending thoughts of a woman bereaved, I empathised every feeling and thought. Like me, she so wants to find a new love that is every ounce as good as the love we had, and in so wanting, we sometimes miss the signs that it isn't so. Not that I have had the same experience... no Mr Nice Guy has turned up and probably never will! But her words echo my fears that no-one will ever match up to my lovely man and therefore I'm doomed to a solitary existence, dreaming of falling in love again and continually being disappointed. I don't see any men out there that I'm attracted to, although one or two have given me a second glance - probably in curiosity rather than attraction.

I like men's humour, I like their no-nonsense attitude to life and their uncomplicated view of the world. They don't over-analyse as we women tend to do, they just get on with it. I don't want to make the same mistake as Maureen Lipman in thinking that the first knight in shining armour is a replacement for what we had. But I know that just like her, that is exactly what I want! If only I could be uncomplicated and just accept compliments without worrying about future relationships and would they turn out like my lovely man! If only I could stop analysing!

I need to correct an earlier comment; I have met several Mr Nice Guys! It's just that they weren't the right Mr Nice Guy - or am I being too picky? They have all been just a tad too small, smokers, bad teeth and/or bitter from a divorce. Perhaps it's me that's the problem!

Having been on the receiving end of a very Mr Nasty recently, I hope there are a few more Mr Nice-Guys out there!

Do I have the wrong Map?

The full moon today has left me restless; urging me to rethink my path, avenue, direction or way forward. Just as my confidence and self-esteem seems to be improving by the bucket-load, I decided today, to scour the web for courses and jobs. Two emails came back 'unobtainable' and previously alluring courses are not as straightforward as they first seemed in the adverts.

Archaeology course now doesn't begin until next April; psychology is a possible still, but the price is tremendous, leaving watercolour painting for tuesday evenings! I fancied dance classes but need to travel to the other side of Oxford late at night - should I? Or, settle for Salsa at the village hall. In view of my previous experiences with sweaty married men at Jive classes, I think I'll give it a miss.

So, I shall now go for a swim in the hope that something or some better thought will come to me.

Having seen old friends over the weekend, I long for a change to my circumstances, whether it is a job, a course, meeting more people, or doing something that signifies or ensures my future existence on this planet. Just like the picture; my path is uncertain, obscured and with no guarantees that it is a path to anywhere - a bit like life! I have a map - but have still not discovered the right path!

Hopping about on lily pads

Life is so complicated... we jump from one situation into another, thinking we have a plan, but all the while we just seem to be governed by some kind of universal destiny of which we have no control.

Today, while in the south, I happened to meet an old acquaintance who looked so much older than I remembered him. His wife joined us too, we hugged and asked each other how we were, not having seen each other for at least 14 years. He is recovering from chemotherapy and having non-hodgkins lymphoma... no wonder he looked so much older. He was optimistic and upbeat, knowing he had just one more session of chemo to go. His wife used to be a student of mine and became a friend. She too looked much older than she really is. I also learnt that mutual friends were suffering from various illnesses, job losses and financial difficulties. My daughter was with me and remarked afterwards how much younger I looked, and how much laughter and life I had in me. She said that I looked no different now than I did fourteen years' ago, yet my life has been in no way better than those I met and discussed today. What is it that makes us age or not?

I came away feeling humbled and grateful for what I have, even though I've lost my lovely man. My old friends still have their partners, but life has affected them all. It's like a lucky dip... none of us know what's around the corner.

In view of all that, let's all just enjoy every moment we have on this planet. Jumping from one lily pad to another is all we have, so let's keep jumping!!