Somewhere over the Rainbow

While walking in the park at Blenheim Palace this week, my good friend, who'd just given me the most delightful massage, and I, saw the most amazing rainbow as we turned and looked behind us.

It lifted me up and out of my self-indulgent thoughts and reminded me that I am just a speck on this planet, with no influence on the higher nature of things. I felt small - again. Once upon a time, when working for a large organisation, I used to think that I could move mountains, secure agreements and change the world, or rather the small world I worked within. How wrong and silly of me. All the corporate wranglings and office in-fighting meant nothing in the big scheme of the Universe. I have moved on and learnt that nothing really matters any more, except to be good, honest and accept things and people as they really are, and to look upon the nasty ones as being hurt and damaged people. Am I religious... No! Am I wiser...Yes!

With all this wisdom comes a sense of 'Ah well, getting up out of bed in the morning gives a feeling of achievement' now, when to be honest, I could just stay there. I look forward to the small things, like a cuddle from my cats, a cappucino, a swim, a soak in a scented bath, listening to good music, sneaking a bit of very dark chocolate (as if anyone was going to tell me off), watching a sentimental film, curling up on my sofa in front of a log fire with just a few scented candles lit. My world has become smaller and more personal. Even though I don't have much money at the moment, I still went out today and bought myself some scented body lotion. I suppose the need to pamper myself stems from the fact that I am alone and lonely and no longer have cuddles from the one I loved.

My friend pointed out that it may be lucky to see such a complete rainbow. It made me aware of just how small and insignificant I really am. Just a small speck. A person trying to cope and trying to look after herself in small and little ways in order to get through another day and another week. Bit by bit, inch by inch I hope to get somewhere... where? I don't yet know.

A different View

I thought it time to share my meagre art attempts with the rest of my blogger friends... sorry! Here is a tree in winter, and yes, I know the colours are vivid and hot, but that was the mood I was in last night at Watercolours for Beginners class!

I have bought a wonderful book that takes me through the steps and techniques to achieve something worthwhile... something I don't seem to gleen from the Tutor who keeps nipping outside for a ciggy! I think this must be her first teaching job and it must be quite stressful for her, even though we are a mild-mannered and docile bunch.

The tree was supposed to be in muted grey colours and a muted grey/pink background... but hey, isn't it all down to interpretation? Having bought the requisite 'rigger' paintbrush last week, I now have to fork out for a flat head brush for next week's lesson! I have made two new friends in the process, which makes it all worthwhile.

As for the organisation that has so far, let me and several others down badly... I am awaiting (but not much hope) for a reply to my letter to the Head Honcho in London, whereby I enclosed all correspondence and my thoughts! He probably won't read it, and will pass it down (as expected) to middle management to deal with. I have no real hopes of achieving anything now.

I think of 'him' more and more lately... I don't know why, but, I have now resigned myself to an existence of daily achievements with no hope of replicating what I had before. It is a monumental milestone to realise and to accept that 'this is it'. Realisation brings long periods of 'down' time... resolution, acceptance and resignation of the situation. I feel disappointed that so far, I have achieved not much in life except to have been loved and to love. That in itself is more than some people achieve. So back to my watercolour painting... it fills a small gap.

Perfection in our hopes

How can anyone try and beat or perfect nature? The precision and perfection of colour are exquisite in this view of the pom pom dahlia, which thankfully is coming back into gardening fashion!

I have viewed and watched various photos and video clips of Barack Obama and what I see through my intuitive eye is a man who believes he can do good. I wonder though, how much he can do good with so many in attendance who will deter him from his righteous path in the name of politics? In today's Daily Mail he was likened to the first heady days of Blair. He too, looked like the saviour for our country. We are all too gullible and too willing to believe in a saviour. If he or she looks the part then as a nation we are fooled.

If Obama had been a single mother too... then he would have performed a hat trick!

I only hope that America will now review it's former prejudices and embrace the change that has happened.

There have been many times during the last three years when I couldn't have given a damn, but I now find myself taking an interest in World matters. It's a pity that the new president elect hasn't managed to push up the FTSE index, then I'd be a lot happier and would not have to scour the papers for a job!

Fat Cats Abound

I hadn't noticed it before, but judging from this photo of Pebble, he may have a squint! This could explain why he doesn't catch any mice or birds! He probably sees two of them!

I have forgone the ritual swim in the pool tonight... for some reason I'm tired...(could be all the swimming)! And the prospect of being talked to by Mr Amorous again - should his wife not be there.

Yesterday I had lunch with two friends from years' ago and with whom I trained the majority of a county Police Force in IT skills. They had found a photograph of my lovely man - taken in 1988 while he was on the Firearms Team.
It was a time when he was young, strong and in my view strikingly attractive... not that he wasn't when we first met some six years' after the photo was taken. I recognised his colleagues and it brought back some very good memories of when I was doing something worthwhile and something I enjoyed - teaching and training.

My Tuesday night art class reminds me of twenty-five years' ago when I first embarked on an IT course for women returners to work. The teaching was so appalling I decided to become a teacher. On Tuesday nights I'm reminded of just how appalling some teaching really is and although I've applied and am on the register of several colleges to teach staff how to teach - nothing... not a bite. I suspect (again), that teaching and training of college staff is done by existing staff as an 'add-on' and not worth employing someone new. So I sit in my Art class while the teacher pops outside for her usual ciggy and wanders around the class not giving out any useful tips or techniques that I can grab and successfully use. It's a case of experimentation with some lucky accidents and several torn-up disasters.

While my cats seem happy, I worry now that their appointment next week for an innoculation booster will result in my being reprimanded for over-feeding them.

I feel a lot better for sending my email to the certain charitable organisation that has allowed a bully to reign. I have withdrawn and have stated my reasons why. I don't particularly care if they respond, but it would be good if they paid more attention to their policies and acted upon them in future. Time to move on.

I went for a swim tonight, and boy am I getting toned. I can now swim very powerfully for several lengths without my heart exploding out of my chest. And with only two other people in the pool, it was good. As I got out of the pool, who should walk in, but Mr Amorous, without his wife tonight. He whistled as he walked towards the Jacuzzi, nodding at me as I got out of the pool. He asked me how my Art class at college was going - (we bumped into each other one evening at the college). I asked how his German class was going. We exchanged just a few sentences and I left. Then in the Bar on my way out, he waved and signalled me over. He asked if I'd like a drink. "No thanks", said I. And I walked out. He looked a little crest fallen, but what was I to do? I don't fancy him, he's married and short. End of story!

It's good stuff for my novel though! Thank you Puddock and Richard!

Log Fires and multi-tasking

My multi-fuel burner is now going full tilt; central heating turned right down to save oil; electricity use is to a minimum and a few candles are burning - great for giving me a wonderful complexion - should anyone be around to notice.

A week spent with daughter and granddaughter - doing lots of DIY jobs around the house and garden. Their help has been just what I've needed to get my life organised again and to take my mind off a letter that arrived at the beginning of the week. A certain organisation has supposedly sorted out Mr Nasty... Ha! The two page letter points out in a thinly veiled way that I am putting everyone to a lot of trouble and causing a lot of extra expense, and why oh why (it asks) did I go down the 'formal' route instead of just discussing the unimportant little episode over a cup of tea"? The TV advert for Oxfam comes to mind... shouting out No to injustice!

Onwards and upwards from now on. Life is too short for all of this. I shall look for something else to do when not sitting in front of my log fire stroking my two cats, drinking tea and listening to soft music while reading by candlelight. Now that's what I call multi-tasking.

Dahlias under threat

This coming week will see the end of my dahlias - there's frost on the way, and due to living in an exposed area that receives the gales straight from the Bristol channel, there will be no respite for my little garden.

The clocks have gone back and it's taken me all day to reset all eight of them! I was hungry at five instead of six, the cats wanted their meal at four instead of five, and my washing got damp because I left it out too long! Now I'm knackered at ten instead of eleven.

Tomorrow I pick up my daughter and my grand-daughter who will be staying with me for most of the half-term holiday. Not much money to spend this time as my reserves are dwindling and I may find myself in real financial difficulty soon.

So, it will be jacket spuds with baked beans or tinned tuna - all from Tesco - rather than Sainsburys or Waitrose. I will be roasting a chicken, then making soup the following day and making a stir fry from left overs. I'm batch cooking and loading the freezer with meals for one to see me up to at least Christmas. I have pumpkins galore which will be turned into soup. However, I have discovered these last three lonely years that I can live quite frugally on my own. In fact the cats get more spent on their food than I do!

If only I could find a lumberjack who could supply me with logs all winter. I'd also like to find a man who could do massage properly; another who could cook and another who could make me laugh. Ah well, I shall have to just flex my muscles and do everything myself, although the massage bit is difficult.

I've cut the last of my dahlias and roses and brought them indoors to brighten the house. And so ends the summer... not that it had begun. I enter another long, dark, lonely winter of uncertainty, but being an optimist at heart, I'm always looking for what might be.